You Aren't All or Nothing
Your (our) habits, your dreams, your morning routines...
“There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.” - Bill Watterson
I’ve been *struggling* this year, and I know I’m not the only one. I went to my book club meeting last night and lamented to the group how during the past month, I even struggled to read—to read! I love to read, and yet, in the past month, I barely managed to get through our book club read, and that’s all. I’m not a fast reader by any means, but I usually read more than one book a month. And I’m usually not scrambling to read the last couple of chapters of our book club pick the night before we meet. And yet…
Something I’ve noticed when I’m struggling is that I adopt an “all-or-nothing” mentality. I start to get very hard on myself—my inner voice (I absolutely have an inner voice and cannot relate to the shockingly large amount of human beings walking around with utter silence in their heads) starts to berate me for not sticking to what I outlined in my to-do list or putting off taking a shower or forgetting that I wanted to do a load of laundry today. I become mean toward myself (sometimes downright cruel), and it’s not nice. And I know I’m not the only one.
This all-or-nothing lens through which I start to view my days has the opposite effect I subconsciously think it will have—I end up making poorer decisions to get myself out of the struggle. I start to actually embrace the struggle, and I end up feeling utterly stuck. More stuck than ever before.
I all-or-nothing myself into complacence, and complacence is not a nice place to be.
You see, I have dreams. I have goals. I have plans for how to get to said dreams and goals. I have things I try to do every day to make my life better—make it feel better, make it seem better, dare I say it, even tangibly make my life better. But in this all-or-nothing phase, all of that goes to shit.
No, really, I cannot execute even part of my plan or make my life even a smidge better because if I can’t do it all, I might as well not do any of it. But I’m learning that this is an absolutely self-defeating outlook.
I’m not all or nothing. My dreams are not all or nothing. My life is not all or nothing.
They say that life is about the journey, not the destination. And while, yes, sometimes that saying seems trite and untrue and utter bullshit, it’s also not completely wrong. I suppose you could say that my all-or-nothing-ness is, in a way, about being averse to the journey. It’s about wanting a perfect and complete destination to just crop up without the little climbs and detours and unpleasant pit stops along the way.
I’m trying to abandon this all-or-nothing mentality because I’m realizing it doesn’t serve me. It actually does the opposite—it dis-serves me (that sounded better in my head than it looks on the screen).
Progress is about progress. Progress is worth celebrating. The baby steps lead to the full-grown-adult steps. The journey leads to the destination, not the other way around.
So what exactly does this look like in practice? What does all this mumbo jumbo actually mean?
Well, I’m figuring it out as I go, but here’s what I’ve got so far:
Routines are a vehicle for productivity and progress, but not the end-all-be-all.
Since I’ve become a real adult (am I, though?) with real responsibilities, I’ve become a bit of a stickler for discipline and routines. I’ve found myself waking up in the morning with a plan that I must stick to—a plan that, if one thing is out of place, I give up on and throw caution to the wind.
As you might imagine, this results in a slew of emotions each day that range from accomplishment to despair. When I don’t stick to my routines, I end up feeling discombobulated and upset, starting my day off with negative thoughts and feelings. As you can probably also imagine, this is not productive or beneficial in the slightest!
So I’m trying to learn, and come to terms with, the fact that my routines, like the rest of me, aren’t all-or-nothing, and discipline doesn’t equate to perfection. If I wake up late I can still get ready for the day and that’s a win. If I don’t have a perfectly meal-prepped breakfast ready to go and still manage to feed myself something, that’s a win. If I don’t write at 6 a.m. but still manage to crank out a few words during my lunch break or after work, that’s definitely a win.
Progress is progress, and I don’t have to have my routines down to the second and stick to them religiously in order to work on myself and my dreams.
Humans and humanity are worth fighting for, even if some days the only way to engage in the fight is a tiny contribution.
This is one that I am struggling with hardcore. The world feels topsy-turvy lately, and I feel topsy-turvy in return. I don’t know which way is up and which way is down, let alone have the energy to try and stay abridged of the many ridiculous things happening every day.
I’ve noticed two extremes when it comes to functioning in late-stage capitalism under the broligarchy—learn everything, know everything, and participate in everything, OR abandon ship.
This is another thing where all-or-nothing is not the way to go. It’s not helpful for anyone’s (my) mental sanity, and it’s not helpful in any way that’s actually…helpful? I believe in connecting with my neighbors, fighting for our freedoms and rights, and engaging when/where I can. I don’t believe in being glued to the news or deciding to move to another country without putting up a fight.
So…where does that leave me? Well, the truth is that with this one, I’m still figuring it out. But I also know that I have ways to engage that don’t suck the lifeblood out of me, and that, again, I don’t have to be all-or-nothing. For me, this means I’m reading books about activism and by authors from marginalized communities. It means I’m practicing self-care, so I actually have the energy to learn and contribute. It means I’m cutting through the social media noise to follow those I actually want to follow, and signing up to learn more and be more for my community. It isn’t all or nothing, but it’s my way of fighting for what I believe in.
I’m keeping faith that the life I imagine will come true one day if I give up on the notion of all-or-nothing and embrace the spirit of wholehearted-half-progresses.
I’m coining this new phrase. Instead of all-or-nothing, it’s wholehearted-half-progress. I’m not going to stop working toward the things I want and the life I imagine, but I’m going to stop being so hard on myself when a day’s work on those things isn’t perfect. I’m going to embrace the tidbits of progress here and there wholeheartedly and make progress in fractions (at least to start).
You see, a bunch of fractional progress eventually adds up to a whole (math—not my strongest subject, but one of the only subjects with hard, undeniable truth as part of the equation). If I get half of the words written today that I wanted to, and half again tomorrow, I end up getting to my final destination, albeit a little slower. If I show up tired, but I still show up, I’m making progress. If I make an effort and make a new friend and make something out of nothing, that sure is better than never even trying, right?
So you’re not all or nothing. I’m not all or nothing. Keep going and embrace this new spirit of wholehearted-half-progresses.
What Happens When You Take a Break From Writing on Medium? republished on my blog
What have I been watching lately? Well, basically, the last show I ever thought I would watch: Desperate Housewives. I think maybe my subconscious wanted to watch something that was even more dramatic than the world outside (is it even possible to live a life more dramatic than our current timeline? Probably, if you live on Wisteria Lane). So I’ve been binging this crazy show, and it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There is, indeed, an actual plot outside of the crazy shenanigans they get up to, and the premise that starts the whole show off is quite intriguing. Sure, there are loose ends, unbelievable elements, and many characters with far too much time on their hands, but it’s worth a watch if you need some distraction…
On a completely and totally unrelated note, I also just finished a book (shocking given my lack of reading mentioned earlier, I know). A novella, actually. I only picked up Ring Shout by P. Djèlí Clark because we were reading it in a book club and because it seemed like a relevant, important read for right now. It’s not the kind of thing I would personally ever read otherwise—I’ve seen it described as both horror and dark fantasy, both of which are genres I’m not particularly drawn to. Nevertheless, when my hold came in at the library, I decided to give it a read, and my conclusion is that it’s definitely worth reading. It’s a quick read, given that it’s a novella, but it gives lots to chew on and think about and wasn’t too horror-y (at least not too much for me personally).
As always,
